Joke Topic

The Vich wrote:

Ty to imagine someone saying this.
A man said to a blonde, "I will pay you $50 to paint my porch." He gives her the brown paint and goes inside to rest. When he comes out, he sees that his porch was not painted. He goes to look for the blond, thinking that she ran off with the money. He walks to the driveway and finds her painting his car. "Why are you painting my car brown?!?!?!" "Because you told me to. And by the way, it's a Lexus not a Porche."

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, and she sees the wolf in a bush. "Haha Mr Wolf I see you". So the wolf runs away. Further through the forest, she sees the wolf behind a boulder, she says "haha mr wolf I see you". The wolf says "god damn it" and runs away again. When she is nearly at Grandmas house, she sees him behind a wall, and says "Mr Wolf your behind the wall". So the wolf walks up to her and says "where are you going" she replies "grandmas house" the wolf then says "why are you going to grandmas" "to give her this cake, and some honey, because she isn't feeling well" To which the wolf replies "then GO, and let me take a dump in peace"

I not good with jokes

What's something not even the world's strongest man can lift up?

Spoiler:

iDon wrote:

What's something not even the world's strongest man can lift up?

Chuck Norris.

They say Chuck Norris has another fist under his beard.

I have a gun under mine's

people used too say "thats the best thing since chuck norris!" before there was sliced bread then one day he got sick of that phrase and roundhouse kicked the air making every loaf of bread at the givin time sliced

chuck norris doesn't style his hair he threatens too kill it and it then styles itself

once upon a time two movie producers watched freddy VS jason and thought "what if we had john wayne VS chuck norris" at that exact moment both their heads exploded no brain can hold that awesomness

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? You made the chain too long.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

If there was a maze with with a million dollars in the center who do you think would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?
The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!

What's is the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

A bench can support a family of four

(I don't have anything against Mexicans or Women, but these jokes are funny--and good)

Just wow.

yo mamma so stinky she smells like the twilight zone
doodoodoodoo-doodoodoodoo
they say cure for cancer is Chuck norris's tears but chuck norris doesn't cry

Fuck Chuck Norris.

iDon wrote:

Fuck Chuck Norris.

Heh. It rhymes.

I got one. Try to picture this joke being told when Bush was president.

There are 3 kids walking across a bridge when they see someone drowning in the river below. They go and rescue him, only to find it is George W. Bush. Bush is very grateful and says that he'll give each kid something he wants. The first kid wants $1,000,000 and Bush gives it to him. The second kid says he wants a Lamborghini and Bush gives him that. The third kid says he wants a wheel chair. "Why would you want a wheel chair? You aren't even handicapped," said Bush. "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

^Hehe.

That's the only good joke I have.

The Vich wrote:

That's the only good joke I have.

well it waz good enough to satisfy me

Yay.

If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo.

another...

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

That one was epic.

thank you i've got a bunch

two guys walk into a bar ones wearing a cowboy hat the other in a baseball cap. the guy in the baseball cap walks up too the bartender and says "hey lets make a bet i bet you $1000
that if you put a shotglass at the end of the bar i can pee in it and not spill a single drop"

the bar tender accepts he sets up the shot glass and the guy in the baseball cap does horrible not one drop makes it in the glass he gets his piss on everything in drinks on customers walls wall decorations you name it he peed on it.
the bartender and the man are cracking up as he hads the baretender $1000 the guy in the cowboy begins to cry hysterically the baretender asks two questions

1.why are you laughng you're out $1000?
2. why is your friend crying?

the man in the baseball cap smiles and says "both of those questions have the same answer see i bet this dumbass $100,000 i could walk into your bar here and piss on everything and not only not get arrested but make you laugh about it."

that was really good too.

Subject: Cruiser Riddle Sat Apr 26, 2008 7:30 am
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Mystery's Games has released a new online riddle with the title Cruiser Riddle.
Are you ready for the adventure? Your aim is to find a lost treasure!

It was raining last night, so the field was all wet.